The closer I got to turning 40, the more I wanted to be me. Just me. Not some version I was expected to be. Not who others thought I was or should be, but bumps and bruises, warts, faults, joys, failures and talents...me.
I've talked to others and it's a thing, turning 40 changes a person. Or maybe it's all the things you've lived through, seen, and grown from in the years up until then, rather than the actual age, that changes you. Maybe it just takes most people 40 years to develop this "losing" or "loosening" of oneself and it's invisible set of self-inflicted standards. I do know some who seem to have been very strong versions of themselves for a lot longer, even their entire lives...they are truly onto something.
As I approached 40, there was an urge to let go of some of the things I've held onto for so long that either don't fit anymore, or just seem like a burden to carry. Maybe they never fit and I just thought they looked good or wished that was who I was. Things like labels, habits, personas, even traditions started to pinch like too small shoes on feet that were a little tender anyways.
After letting go of some of these things, both consciously and by surprise, I've also found I don't embarrass quite so easily. I'm not afraid to speak my opinion, raise my hand, admit I'm wrong, and ask for help. I would never have done so before, at least not with anyone outside of my small, tight, safe circle. Quietly leaving the room while blushing was more my common response. To me, this is very freeing, to my kids...they sometimes aren't sure what to think. Behavior in public has definitely improved though!
The things I wish I had known were ok to let go of sooner, the things that caused stress and struggle, the truths that caused shame I felt I needed to hide...I'm going to share them with you. While some may seem silly, some still feel a little embarrassing or shameful. Some may resonate with you. I've always loved advice from others I trust, but I realize that's not the case for everyone, so take of this (or don't) what you wish and you don't have to be 40 to be your true self.
1. I am not rich. In our area, it seems everyone is well moneyed. It's just not true though. There is so much "keeping up with the Jones's", it's ridiculous. Deep debt, pinched budgets, competition, not my kind of fun. Your car and your shoes, whether they are top of the line or Target, will still take you down the road. My husband is a computer guy, and while we have everything we need and most of what we want, we are not millionaires. And that is ok.
2. I misspeak. Everyone misspeaks. We all sound like idiots sometimes. We say hurtful things on purpose or accident and embarrass ourselves in public. Own it, it's ok. We are all just people.
3. Realize your kids, spouse, parents, distant family, dog...they're all going to embarrass you at some point either by something they do or by telling something that you've done. We all have them though, we all share that feeling. No man is an island.
4. I've done things I'm not proud of. Yes, I kissed the Superman poster in third grade (who wouldn't - I mean Christopher Reeves!) and it was stupid. And then there's all sorts of teenage idiocy. We've all been there, right? The past is just that, passed. Leave it there and grow from it.
5. I am not perfect in any way, but I am fairly good. And you are too. The important thing is that we try. Love others, speak kindly, do your best, and when that fails, apologize if needed and try again.
6. I can't do it all. Sometimes I need help. Sometimes things just don't work. I am not Superwoman, no matter which big girl pants I put on.
7. I'm uncertain and sometimes I change my mind. It's allowed! You don't have to keep thinking or doing a certain way just because you always have! It's ok to rethink, change and make a move without complete clarity. Turns out, clarity is a little hard to find.
So you may become a reader of this blog or this may end it for you, either is ok. I hope that putting myself out there maybe helps someone not to feel alone in their struggles. You don't have to turn 40 to let go and be yourself. And those people you feel you have to behave/dress a certain way to befriend or impress? If they are truly your friends, they will love you all the more for the real you.
And because sometimes you just need a good quote or two from very wise people...
"Some of us will wear ourselves out trying to change ourselves before we realize it is not about fixing it; it is about letting go- letting go of old patterns that no longer serve us...All we stand to lose is the false self - the adaptive behaviors that are ultimately in opposition to the life of love and trust and being led by God that our hearts long for."
- Ruth Haley Barton, Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership
"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 NIV
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -Bernard M. Baruch
